


Don't you know that feeling?

by Polina_K_Viardo



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Crack, Garak has a collection of porcelain dolls, Garak is nice and mysterious, Humour, Julian is not amused, shame and compassion, terrible power of rumours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-09-11
Packaged: 2018-04-20 06:13:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4776614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polina_K_Viardo/pseuds/Polina_K_Viardo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Julian is caught destroying evidence of his enhanced abilities he has no choice but to go along with a rumour that he's a fan of the “Little Octo” - a cheerful cartoon about funny little octopuses. Needless to say, his life swiftly turns to hell. Is there a person on this station who can understand such a humiliation? </p>
<p>[18+: This is content restricted to audiences of 18 years or over.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't you know that feeling?

**Author's Note:**

> Rating M is only for having adult themes - there is no explicit content in the story. 
> 
> [18+: This is content restricted to audiences of 18 years or over. Do not read unless you are over 18.]

Julian was having a great time - he was feeling peeved and wronged that Garak just wouldn’t concede his bloody point. Which meant that yes, that study by Dell and Magida was right on mark about pleasure centres of the brain being stimulated by heated arguments.

“Garak, Federation open-mindedness or not, to be obsessed with fictional worlds to the point of missing out on actual life is considered to be disgusting! I don’t understand why you won’t agree! It’s obvious, Garak!”

“There is so much wrong with your statement, my dear Doctor, I don’t even know where to begin!” By this point the voices were quite raised and other patrons of Replimat were staring at the pair. If not for his enhanced abilities Julian wouldn’t had noticed that one Caribbean in particular who was wearing “Deep Space Pirate Hornblower” t-shirt and giving him a stink eye.

Having lowered his voice to acceptable level Julian tried another tack: “But surely Cardassians so bent on serving their Empire would not find obsession with fiction to be respectable?”

“Why, Doctor, to study the great works like ‘Never Ending Sacrifice’ with 'obsession’ is considered to be one of the more commendable activities on Cardassia. Granted, by dedicating their life to such a worship these people transcend from worldly existence to that of more higher purpose, so to speak. Though they might not perform great political deeds otherwise expected from them their servitude to the great idea behind these literary works is considered to be worthy of the sacrifice.” Garak’s eyes were now twinkling with mischief - to use the unfathomable Cardassian ways as an argument was cheating and he certainly knew that.

“You know, Garak, that was the nicest way to describe social maladjasts I’ve ever heard.” Briefly appeased by Garak’s previous remark Caribbean spluttered his drink all over his table. Julian was almost sure his lips were mouthing something along the line of “Maladjust?! Me?!” But Julian was far too gone to feel guilty. Garak just shook his head not unlike a wise and benevolent master despairing of his poor misguided apprentice.

“You do not see the whole picture, my dear,” he continued at lenght. “The disgust you’ve mentioned comes not from the nature of the activity itself but from it being a taboo. Your famous Earth philosopher Diogenes was in a habit of pleasuring himself on the main square of the town. 'If only it were as easy to banish hunger by rubbing my belly,’ I think he used to say. Now, I imagine old men enjoying themselves in such a way on Promenade would offend a great deal of onlookers. Not all, of course,” he added giving a nod to another patron, “because not all cultures consider it a taboo.” Julian shuddered. The patron to whom Garak gave a nod was smiling smugly.  

“So, Doctor, what is the next question you should ask yourself now? What do you think?”

“How come you came by this fascinating peace of Earth classical philosophy?”

As expected Garak just smiled.

Finally averting his eyes from the ones still twinkling at him Julian noticed that Caribbean was talking animatedly with some security personnel pointing from time to time at Julian. Giving now openly smug Garak one last glance Julian hastened away from the Replimat.

 

Hours later Julian was still brooding. He hated to lose and he especial hated to lose to Garak. That’s why Julian’s spirit were not lifted until the new pretty-faced nurse started her shift at the Infirmary. She was doing some routine work on her console while speaking with someone via 9chat. And considering that she was throwing Julian supposedly furtive glances when she thought he couldn’t see her, then giggling and furiously typing, this someone was very appreciative of human male form. Now, it should be said that Julian was very proud of his looks. In fact, he was so used to others being attracted to him he didn’t notice it anymore unless the person seemed attractive in return. Deciding to take the attention as a comfort for frustration of the day Julian couldn’t help but to look at the dark panel behind the nurse to see her messages reflected there. What he saw though made his blood cold to the degree Garak and other supposed members of Obsidian order never managed. Amongst the usual “that ass” comments was a message of another sort:

“he’s so clever, cassy, you won’t believe1 he needed to calculate the proportion today for e-bacterius death rate. the numbers were like 11 digits but before i offered to do the calculation on the pad he dictated an answer! i thought he just estimated the result but later i checked it out of curiosity and his answer was correct in all orders. it’s almost inhuman, his cleverness…”

Julian involuntary tightened his fists. He could virtually feel his 'inhuman’ abilities sharpening even further as a body response to the stress. Thoughtless comment or not it was written and catalogued in some database to be hosted forever until one operative or another entered the right search request. No, this message should be erased once and for all. Julian took a couple of steadying breaths and went on working. The sweet promise of strangling certain Cardassian with his bare hands for making him slip this afternoon - and such a rookie mistake! - was the only thing that helped him keep going until the end of his shift.

 

The narrow corridor was dark and empty. The small panel in the wall was hiding the main hatch through which the majority of the entertainment-related content went. Julian started to work. He could appreciate the irony that due to his enhanced abilities he was able to conceal them. Right now concealment involved hacking into one of the lesser station systems and erasing information from private account. But it could be done.

The final stage though proved to be a bit more tricky than he expected - he could almost hear Jadzia’s steps somewhere nearby searching for the intruder who break into station system - but finally he managed to erase the message. He quickly exited the opened applications. The screen was filled with the stream of various shows closing one after another until for some reason it stuck on some inane cartoon about octopuses.

“Come on!” Julian slammed the panel with his hand several times but it didn’t react. At last, the glitch passed and the panel returned to its original state, dark and silent. In the surface Julian could see his own reflection and…

“Morn?!”

The alien in question was looking straight at Julian with a shocked expression on his face. Julian stared back. So he didn't imagine hearing footsteps earlier..!

The awkward staring continued some more until Julian finally pointed in the vague direction of the another corridor.

“I’ll just… be off, then.”

And he retreated, the second time this day, feeling even worse than before.

 

The look the pretty-but-gossipy nurse was giving Julian the next day was even worse than the ones he used to receive from his late grandmother upon doing something truly terrible. Particular incident concerning talking in the theatre sprang to his mind and Julian winced. However, he was more puzzled about the reason for the nurse’s disgust than hurt. And while he was still uneasy about the encounter with Morn last night Julian was sure that his tampering with 9chat had gone unnoticed. That’s why he was truly shocked when Constable Odo found him in his office several hours later.

“Is everything alright, Constable?” Julian asked. Odo just looked at him appraisingly with his trademark suspicious but unjudgemental gaze.

“I would like to hope so. But we’d better talk in my office.”

Julian feigned surprise. “Is it urgent? I am a bit busy at the moment.”

“Just follow me, Doctor Bashir.” With that Odo left and Julian had to scramble after him.

Walking down the Promenade they stumbled upon the inseparable pair of Jake and Rom who immediately started snickering. It was a particularly nasty kind of snickering and Julian began to entertain the notion that maybe some of his exes made public something they shouldn’t. But what could it be? And if Odo was going to question him about tampering with the system why he came to fetch Julian alone, without guards?

In other words, when Julian was finally seating at the table in Odo’s office he didn’t have to pretend to be puzzled.

“Well, Doctor Bashir,” Odo began at length, “I have to say I am not happy with the resolution of this situation.”

“What situation?” Julian said when it became apparent that the rest was not forthcoming.

“The situation we have because you tampered with one of the station systems!”

“What?! I didn't…” Julian spluttered indignantly.

“And that’s the only reason I’m tolerating this at all.” Odo crossed his arms. “The next time the new episode of your favorite show is delayed, Doctor Bashir, please, be so kind and just wait like the rest of this station!”

“What are you even talking about?”

“Don’t play dumb, Doctor, we have a witness and results of the expertise. Last night someone gained unauthorized access to the hatch on the level 8 and tried to view the content of,” he looked at the pad on his desk, “'Little Octo, a cheerful cartoon about funny little octopuses from the planet Villa 7’. At least, that’s what they say in the description of the content. But you would know it better than me, Doctor.”

To say that Julian was shocked was to say nothing. He was pleased that his tampering went mostly unnoticed. But. Little Octo? Really? The latest episode? That was what Morn decided he was doing?

“W-well,” Julian stammered, “I can only say… I think I won’t say anything.”

“That would be for the best, yes. And, Doctor. I am not letting this slide. Another thing like that and I’m arresting you for spying.” 'Spying for Garak’ was left unsaid but clearly heard.

“I understand, Constable. I may go?”

“You may. For now.”

That humiliating experience turned out to be only the beginning. Which shouldn’t have surprised Julian. Morn was the chief gossip of the station and not for nothing. Julian added him to his list of annoying aliens who deserved to die painfully and slowly. It didn’t make him feel better though when he overheard Sisko’s conversation with Kira having arrived to discuss new vaccine for the Federation staff.

“No, Major, I hear your concern, I do. It’s just that…”

Kira’s reply was intelligible but Sisko’s booming voice was easily heard behind the closed doors of his office.

“Measures? Over what? Being a fan of a show? No, Major, Doctor Bashir’s behavior and attitudes toward children and women of this station was exemplary so far… He does prefer rather coy girls but that in itself… No, and the chief medical personnel is always under scrutiny as it should be…”

Apparently the discussion was not over but Julian was feeling foolish standing in front of the office apprehensively as if he really had something to be guilty of. He announced himself and stepped into the office. Kira jerked and turned around to look at him visibly fuming. But Sisko calmly met Julian’s eyes.

“Ah, just the person I wanted to see! You are dismissed, Major.”

When Kira walked out after giving Julian the last pointed look, Sisko, to Julian surprise, gathered himself as if fearing some unpleasant task. Apparently, no one cared about the vaccines anymore.

“Doctor, I think it’s time we had a talk. As a fellow Federation citizen you know as I do that what goes through one’s head is nobody’s business and I’m sure unlike some… some others that you would never do anything unbecoming of a Starfleet officer,” despite the feeling of approaching doom of everlasting awkwardness Sisko seemed sincere and even supportive. But Julian felt there was a ‘but’ coming.

“But, you being maybe a bit young and lonely here on the station I wanted to warn you against finding too much… relief,” at this word Sisko’s face got a bit colored, “on your own…”

Thus started the half-hour long lecture about the dangers of porn-addiction. That probably was the singular most mortifying event of Julian’s life. Even his all-around unsuccessefull first time was less embarrassing. The runabout to the Gamma quadrant began to seem like a great way of finding new life and civilizations when Julian bumped into someone in the corridor. When he turned around to apologise or demand apologies – he hadn’t decided yet – he was astonished to see no other but a yesterday’s Caribbean.

“Who’s maladjust now, eh?” he leered and went on his way.

That finally exhausted Julian’s patience. He briskly walked to the Infirmary and ignoring the disgusted looks of some of his personnel started working on his console. Noticing that the silence in the room was mainly due to everyone looking at him while trying to seem busy, he straightened and barked:

“Last time I checked there was work to do. Or am I mistaken?” The curt tone from the usually gentle and polite Doctor was enough to get most people back to work. Meeting the eyes of the new nurse who persisted in her judgemental starring he added: “And try to avoid an idle chatter while working on your consoles, if you can manage.” That made a nurse color and she lowered her eyes, shamed.

 

Several hours later Julian began feeling ashamed himself. Everyone (including him) were behaving foolishly. He was a grown-up and he could deal with a bit of undeserved judgement. Judgement was never deserved, anyway. And Julian could appreciate the fact that his secret and the extent of his tampering remained uncovered. Comforted by this Julian sighed and went to face the music – aka the lunch crowd at Quark’s.

Jadzia was the first to notice him.

“Julian, we’re here!”

Jadzia and Leeta were not hiding their gleeful smiles but Julian decided that the sooner the teasing was over with the sooner they all could move on from this situation.

“Hello, yourselves.” He sat at their table. Despite silent looks being exchanged, apparently, the little nudging was still needed. “Don’t hold back on my account, half the station is convinced that I’m a child molester while more benevolent think that I’m just a porn-addict.”

“That bad, huh?” asked Jadzia. “Don’t mind Kira, she’ll come around. We don’t think you are sex-offender.” Jadzia patted his back.

Julian shouldn’t have let his guard down though because she continued, “besides, I’m glad you finally came out as bi.”

“What?!”, Bashir spluttered. It’s not like he was hiding the fact but he refused to attribute any octopuses, cute or not, to its advertisement.

“Come on, Julian, ‘Little Octo’ became famous because of all the homo-eroticism.”

“It’s a family show!”

“Actually,” Jadzia said with a strange gleam in her eyes, “it’s not.”

“Yes,” piped Leeta, taking a big pause, “actually, it’s entirely for kids!” And they both burst into laughing.

Julian let them laugh some more before proclaiming with feeling, “I have no friends on this station!”

“Aww, don’t be like this. The real reason we staked you out today is that we both are huge fans ourselves. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Jadzia shrugged.

“Yes, we just wanted to ask you, did you manage to download the new episode? We’re just dying to know how they defeated the Lord of the Violet sea!” Both Leeta and Jadzia were looking intently at Julian as if he was privy to the minds of Prophets at the least. That probably meant they were not having him on but the hope was slim.

“Even if I knew, I wouldn’t tell you.” That made Leeta pout in that charming way of hers but Julian stayed strong.

“Well,” sighed Leeta, “at least now I know why you love Kukalaka so much.” They started laughing again while Julian stood up and begun to walk away with as much dignity as he could muster. Before he managed to leave, though, he was intercepted by Quark.

“Don’t mind them, Doctor, some people are just unappreciative of the art.” He came closer to Julian and whispered “if you are interested, by the way, I have a big collection of tentacles-related holo-programs. If you catch my meaning.” He pointedly looked at Julian.

“Just a cherry on my cake” thought Julian and left Quark’s a lot quicker than he intended.

 

The only person who didn’t buy the rumours turned out to be Miles. Julian was so exhausted by the point he finally met with Miles, he was so grateful he could kiss the guy.

“That’s all rubbish, I know, I’ve been in your rooms, after all. Believe me, I knew fans in my life, and your only passion is medicine,” he said to Julian. “That’s aside though, mate, as a chief engineer of this station, I must know. Whatever for did you hack that hatch?”

Julian was sitting on the coach at Miles’ which helped him a lot in the task of avoiding his eyes.

“Is it that worse than being a fan of the show my daughter loves to pieces?”

“Well,” Julian decided that he’d better take that chance while it lasted, “what if I said that somebody send a message somebody regretted sending? Like really bad and embarrassing message?”

“How bad?.. That bad?!” Miles cried when Julian’s silence confirmed his worst suspicions. “No, don’t say anything else, I don’t have bleach enough. Judging by the expertise you didn’t manage to delete it?”

“No. Unfortunately, I’m not that kind of a genius.”

“Genius enough, to send dirty messages to whoever you did! Well, I’m just going to pretend you just really love my daughter’s fav show. Though you are not invited to watch it with us.”

“And thank God for that,” Julian rose from the coach. “Gotta go, though, there is somebody else I need to meet today.” The thought that there was another person who’d been in his rooms and might not buy the rumours was not letting him sit idly.

“I bet you do.” Miles said gruffly, going with Julian to the door.

“By the way, do you know how long Garak’s shop is opened?”

‘It was Garak?!”

 

With Miles’ outrageous words still in his ears Julian walked down the Promenade. For some reason it was hard to convince Miles that he just needed to trim his new tunic. Still, that particular assumption was vastly better than being thought to be latent sex-offender. Though maybe not in Miles’ eyes.

Out of all the people Julian knew Garak was the most likely to shred his ego to pieces just for the sport. So far Julian managed not to get on Garak’s bad side but he just couldn’t imagine that Garak would not gloat about 'taboos’ and 'obsessions’. It was not that Julian was really against fans or fanatics per se. Indeed, was it really that bad to dedicate your energy to something so… useless? But every time Julian tried to be rational and unjudgemental about this something in him curled and rebelled. Something didn’t give.

Yet, he had to face Garak. Better get done with this day and this humiliation. Besides, he needed to make sure that Garak believed him to be a fan. The whole showdown promised to be excruciating but when Julian finally made his way to the shop he suddenly realized that if everyone truly knew his secret, his genuine secret, he would be met with scorn, disgust and prosecution not unlike the ones he met with today. But much worse.  

The truth of that thought chilled him down to the bone.

Not seeing anything he walked into the shop.

Garak’s shop was surprisingly empty. Julian made his way to the staff room where on the small table a steaming cup of tea stood.

“Chamomile,” the low voice said somewhere behind him and turning around Julian saw Garak walking out of another small room with his own cup of tea. “Tarkelian might be a bit much for you today.” Julian grunted but took the tea.

For a moment they drunk in silence. The room was filled with various bits and ends, vases with flower arrangements, tools, containers with the clothes that needed special environments and so on. Finally Garak looked him up and down.

“Do I look like I need another new suit, Garak?”

Garak smiled. “You always need a new suit, Doctor, what with being all the time in that hideous uniform or worse, your sports wear.”

“And here I came expecting to be made fun of because of my passions - not the lack of them in the clothing department.”

“Why would you think I’ll make fun of you?” Garak said quietly and Julian immediately felt ashamed. “In fact, I wanted to show you something. Follow me.”

Garak went back to the room he came out of. The room was another storage place with a small replicator on the side. But the main feature of the room was a wall covered with shelfs – and each shelf contained a row of Cardassian dolls with grey porcelain faces. Their dresses were of many colors and designs and Julian would even call the tableau quite sophisticated if not for the fear that Garak wanted to bond with him over the love of cute stuff for children.

Julian was that close to proclaiming that he was done and finding that runabout when Garak asked him, “do you remember the question you were supposed to ask when we were discussing passionate people, Doctor?”

Garak took one doll from the shelf and critically looked her dress over. “The real reason we feel judgement toward others is that they are doing something we can’t allow ourselves. Remember the Diogenes? I’m sure modern humans would condemn his behavior for including audience into his act without the audience consent. But that’s not all, is it?”

Julian had a feeling that Garak was going with that somewhere and he didn’t like where that was.

“The best Cardassians are expected to become politicians, as I hope you’ve already gathered yourself. But what does it mean, to be a politician, a leader, on Cardassia?” He straightened the doll’s dress and put it back on the shelf. “It means to see everyone as puppets. To be called ‘the puppet-master’ was a great honor for Obsidian order operatives. Or so I’ve heard hemming trousers one day.” Julian couldn’t help but lift a brow at that. Garak smiled faintly and continued, suddenly that much closer to Julian.

“Self-indulgence is a great taboo for humans. To indulge one’s desire instead of abstaining is considered shameful, is it not? Not so for Cardassians. Still, there is a sort of self-indulgence that both our people find disgusting and that’s to spend one’s time and efforts doing something useless, unrelated to concrete gain measured by money or reputation. To avoid the great race for power and influence. Maybe to start a relationship that lowers one’s status or the one that can not be exploited,” Garak’s eyes flashed. “To dedicate your efforts and your vast talents to something useless when they can serve a better and nobler cause elsewhere. Do you know that feeling of shame, Doctor?”

“No,” said Julian maybe a bit too fast, “that feeling doesn’t sound familiar.” He looked intently on Garak trying to discern how much he knew or suspected.

“Strange,” said Garak stepping back, the moment breaking around them, “and here I thought a fan of a kids show may understand.” Now Garak was smiling as cat that swallowed the canary though perhaps some reptilian allusion would better suit his race.

“But do tell me more about your day! Did Quark invited you to hollosuits already?”

Julian followed Garak back to the main room for the first time feeling grateful for Garak’s subtlety and propensity for ambiguity. For some reason Julian felt reassured. His lengthy tale made Garak smile in all the right places though he obviously didn’t buy Julian’s explanation about Miles being cool with Julian’s obsession just because. In the end Garak sent Julian on his way saying something about “misguided youths and their adorable attempts” though he didn’t clarify attempts at what. Getting out of the door Julian suddenly recalled the dolls in the small room.

“Garak,” he said looking back at him, “but your dolls, they don't have any strings..?”

Garak looked at him, long and thoughtful.

“No,” he said at last, “they don’t, Doctor.”

**Author's Note:**

> No offence to the geeks or indeed fans of "My Little Pony" was implied. At least, that was not my intent. We, geeks, face so many judgement everyday it's not even funny. That's also my first ever fic. Can't wait till I become absolutely ashamed of it))


End file.
